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Learning to Let Go: One Life Altering Step at a Time
{image by Betsy Walton on Etsy}
I have been struggling to identify what I am currently experiencing. I still can’t fully articulate the emotions — they seem to continuously transform. I’ve definitely felt a bit lost like I didn’t really know where I was going. I attributed these feelings to my unique situation at this point in time: navigating the first year of graduate school, watching CCC grow tremendously, and heading to the finish line with my book. Note to self: never tell anyone that this is easy or even manageable — it’s not.
Over the past year or so, I’ve been letting go of a lot without even consciously realizing. It started with CCC. For nine years, it was just me behind CCC. To let go of that complete control felt like I was losing part of myself. It was a difficult and very emotional process, but very much worthwhile. I never could have imagined how much CCC could grow in less than a year — truly amazing. But letting go meant losing part of my identity. It encompassed so much of my life that I didn’t know who I was without its dominance. Looking back, I would never change my decision. It allowed CCC to grow and allowed me to begin the process of learning about myself.
Then, I entered graduate school. Simply stated, my expectations were very much off base. During my first year, I have had to let go of another major part of my identity: being a perfect student. I quickly learned that perfection didn’t exist in the real world and that I had to become the keeper of my self-worth or it would quickly demolish. I have to use every morsel of my will power to remain realistic and not judge myself in relation to others. As my mom (my incredibly brilliant mom) told me in high school, I must put up my blinders and remain focused on my path. Very powerful advice.
Now, back to the struggle I am currently experiencing. Last night, I started reading The Journals of John Cheever. The book contains the personal journals of one of the greatest writers of the 20th century, John Cheever. These journal entries were private and published only after Cheever’s death (his wishes). While reading the introduction by Cheever’s son, I had an “aha!” moment. What I am experiencing started to make a bit more sense.
Below is an excerpt from the introduction:
“The journals were not initiated with publication in mind. They were the workbooks for his fiction. They were also the workbooks for his life….
We talked a lot. He wanted to talk about the journals….
He wondered aloud to me if his journals had any value as a document. He asked me repeatedly what I thought. I said I didn’t know….
Then one night in January, he presented me with one of the notebooks. He asked if I would mind looking at it.We were in the dining room. I sat in a chair and read from the journal he had given me. He sat in another chair and watched. He asked what I thought. I said I thought that the journal was interesting; I thought it beautifully written. He asked me to read some more. I did read some more. At one point I looked up, and I could see that he was crying. He was not sobbing, but tears were running down his cheeks. I didn’t say anything. I went back to reading. When I looked up again, he seemed composed….
The subject came up quite a few more times in the weeks that followed. He kept asking if I really thought there would be interest. I kept saying there would be.”
Like Cheever, when I started writing, I never thought that what I was writing would be published. This mindset stuck throughout the writing of the book — all four years. The content was so personal that I was living the story as I told it. There was so much work involved and thousands of steps over the course of years that the “end” was never something I actually thought about. But reality has finally hit me that publication is very close. The book is out of my hands. Galleys have gone out and that is extremely scary. A blog post by Ann Leary describes the feelings and thoughts that often accompany authors at this stage of pre-publication. An excerpt from that post is below:
“Okay, so despite the breezy blog posts, I’ve actually been in a state of gut-wrenching anxiety about my forthcoming novel and how it will be received by, well, everybody. Sarah Breivogel, my book’s publicist, sent galleys out to reviewers and magazine editors many weeks ago and then she followed up with emails and letters. The response to my book’s announcement was …nothing. I understood this response to be, not an oversight, not an indication of how beleaguered-by-galleys magazine editors are. No, I knew it for what it was – an astounded, appalled silence. I imagined reviewers staring at the bound galleys in horror, thinking, Denis Leary’s wife tried to write what? A novel? You’ve got to be kidding me! I envisioned them trying to slog their way through the first chapters before finally giving up and writing their one-word review: ‘Unreadable!’ and tossing it into the rubbish bin.”
I just started to put these pieces together this past weekend and have realized my diagnosis: pre-publication anxiety (and no that’s not a real disorder!). As usual, I asked my favorite question, now what? And it finally hit me, I need to let go. Let go of control… let go of unrealistic expectations… and just let the book take it’s natural course.
I can only focus on what is real — what this book means to me and not let its value be determined by others. Just getting to this point in the process is a tremendous accomplishment for everyone involved. It’s like a wedding reception — even if everything goes wrong — at the end of the night… there are still two people madly in love. Nothing can take that away. Similarly, nothing can take away the journey that united me with 20 individuals who forever changed my life. The lessons I learned from each of them will remain in tact and the value of the experience cannot be diminished. At the end of the day, one powerful element always remains: hope.
• • •
Below are links to two very short video clips about “hope” on the ABC show, Brothers and Sisters. Nora, the mother played by Sally Field, learns that the mother of a child with a very difficult to treat form of cancer, never gave up hope — and ultimately, the daughter went into remission. This hope struck Nora and is illustrated in the following two clips:
• • •
Are you still learning to let go? What helps you when “letting go?”
Related "ripples" you might enjoy:
- How to Embrace Self-Empowerment (a truly priceless + life-altering gift)
- Learning As You Go and The Itty Bitty Check-In List
- 10 Steps for Overcoming Overwhelm
- Loss Love Life: A New Project Sheds Light on the Transformative Power of Loss
- I Am (not) A Writer
This entry was posted on Monday, April 6th, 2009 at 2:41 pm and is filed under Authenticity, Personal, Top Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
16 Responses to “Learning to Let Go: One Life Altering Step at a Time”
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I really appreciate how your post came full circle. I think that learning to let go is certainly one of the hardest things to do, especially for a perfectionist. There is always a beauty to the process of watching that thing/experience/person/etc. grow and evolve.
Even with the nerve-wracking galleys out, you should feel a sense of peace in the fact that you poured yourself into that book. Aside from the relationships and experiences that have grown out of it, which is probably the most important end result, you should feel nothing but proud of putting pen to paper and telling an important set of stories.
I hope you can see your amazingness. You have started an amazing charity, are making your way through grad school, & have written a book that will be published – all before the age of what? 26 (I’ve blocked out how young you are because I still like to think we’re twins)? 25? 27? Do you know what most people have done in their lives by the time they’re 26? Probably graduated high school and maybe college. Spent a lot of time drinking and “hanging out”. Maybe had a part-time job or two & are just going out into the world. You, my friend, are an amazing woman & one that I aspire to be like.
I know it’s easy to say “Let go”, but so very hard to do it. Think of the structures you should put in place to live it. To celebrate. To release what you don’t have control over. What can replace the fear & the anxiety with gratitude & celebration?
You deserve all this success – & to enjoy it, too!
Twitter: benspoont
says:
What an amazing and revealing post!
Twitter: leanamay
says:
Wow Carolyn, that was a very well articulated post. The “letting go” piece was one of the hardest parts of starting medical school for me. You are accomplishing amazing things. I look forward to reading your book!
I definitely know that feeling — that nagging in your brain. That part of you that asks, “What if no one likes it? What if this is a failure? What if this or that or some other bad thing happens?”
Sometimes I have to force myself to ask the counter questions: “What if everyone loves it? What if it’s a hit?” Sometimes my answers to those questions teach me the most.
(by the way.. I really like this: “it’s like a wedding reception — even if everything goes wrong — at the end of the night… there are still two people madly in love.” I find metaphors to be such powerful things. As you let go of the book and your ability to control its future — its reception, its meaning, the way it is interpreted — you can still hold on to the metaphor.)
[...] Learning to Let Go by a beautiful ripple effect describes the release you need to have when something is beyond your control. Hear me, fellow perfectionists? [...]
A friend of mine gave me your blog address, and this entry spoke to me – I have spent the past several weeks utterly berating myself and criticizing myself for not getting into a PhD program. Despite the fact that I will be graduating in May and will have 2 Master’s degrees, I have felt worthless and invisible and valueless. Your blog post articulated so much of what I thought – I needed to read this. thanks.
[...] a beautiful ripple effect carolyn’s blog journey « Learning to Let Go: One Life Altering Step at a Time [...]
[...] (8) Reevaluate – If you try everything and still feel horrible when you think about the project, then simply reevaluate why you’re doing that project. Think about why you feel awful when you’re working on it. We all have projects like this, so invest some time reflecting on the overall picture and how this project corresponds with it—or not. Allow yourself to let go—let go of “perfect.” Then, you can let go of the yucky feeling associated with “letting go.” [...]
Twitter: carolynr
says:
Thank you so much, Whitney. You’ve seen me literally go through all of this. It hasn’t been easy, but a huge growing experience. And you are right — putting pen to paper is the most difficult part of the process.
Twitter: carolynr
says:
24! I know super young! You are so sweet, Michelle. You are one amazing woman! You inspire so many people — like me :).
So very true — so easy to say “let go,” but it’s a daily challenge. I love switching the focus to celebration.
Thank you for your always supportive comments — means the world to me!
Time to celebrate!! We should throw a virtual party :). How fun!
Twitter: carolynr
says:
Thank you so much, Leana. I would think “letting go” in medical school would be extremely hard. It is such a competitive environment. What did you find to help the most during that process?
24?! OMG, I’m kvelling! You are crazy. Crazy amazing.
A virtual party sounds like a cool friggin’ idea, but in reality I see a lone person (aka ME!) in front of her computer with a party hat, streamers, some pigs in a blanket & a glass of wine. It’s kind of a sad visual. Let’s have a real party! When you comin’ to NY?
Twitter: carolynr
says:
Michelle, that visual is hysterical! That would totally be me! I promise to let you know when I come to NY :).
Twitter: carolynr
says:
Julie, I decided that my reply to your comment should be an entire post! Read: The Bright Side! Thank you for inspiring me.
Twitter: carolynr
says:
Jaime, thank you so much for your comment. I realize how hard it is to admit the horrible feelings we experience. For me, just getting those thoughts out (either through talking or writing) helps so much. You will have 2 Master’s degrees! That is a tremendous success!! It truly is — I hope you can see that. I am so thankful that you found my blog and even more so that you commented. I write this blog for that very reason — to communicate my thoughts with the goal of people relating to them in some beneficial way.