"Everyone knows somebody that needs to read this book (Perseverance) !" –Kathie Lee Gifford, Live on NBC’s Today Show
"Perseverance offers… profound insight for all of us seeking to lead a meaningful life." –Daniel H. Pink, New York Times bestselling author of A Whole New Mind
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Confused or Afraid?
I haven’t been able to post a blog. I’ve written many posts, but they are sitting on my desktop. I can’t seem to “publish” a post. Yes, I know, I just “published” a book – a post should be a piece of cake! But the perfectionist in me seems to be dominating the stage.
Publishing Perseverance has been the most difficult experience. I still can’t even grasp the reality of everything. Days are blurring together and I feel utterly confused about everything.
Or so I thought.
I realized that the perfectionist in me only perceives two distinct points: start and finish. Anything in between these two points gets mushed into one pile for further analysis. Yet, when I step back, I am much more aware of “my life” than the perfectionist within me realizes. And reality is scary! Confusion is a much easier state to brush off and explain to others. Fear takes a lot more effort and courage to overcome.
The reality of Perseverance’s release is not what I imagined. As a result, “publish” has not become a word or action that I am gravitating towards. I’m afraid. I put everything within me into Perseverance – my heart, my youth – so much was sacrificed. I was naive and allowed its success (or lack thereof) to translate into my personal success (all 24 years). I understand that mistake now, but that doesn’t erase the experience. In order to change the way I perceive myself, I need to make really difficult changes. These changes challenge how I live and my next steps. And that leads me right into the safety net of confusion.
My heart is writing this post and I am going to hit “publish.” I know where I am right now and I am not going to allow confusion or fear to stop me from moving forward — and making changes.
A little phrase that serves as my anchor: I believe in you.
Whisper these four words to yourself. Take a deep breath. Listen to your heart. Believe in YOU.
{image: studio mela on etsy}
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This entry was posted on Friday, September 11th, 2009 at 11:52 pm and is filed under Authenticity, Perseverance, Personal, Top Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
13 Responses to “Confused or Afraid?”
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Twitter: benspoont
says:
We are on this journey together; remember that.
1p4c3k6b7
Twitter: carolynr
says:
I will always remember that. Thank you, Ben :).
I’m a total perfectionist. I throw my all into everything I do. I’ve gotten a book published. Seen it on the shelves across the country. And still, there is sometimes a disconnect sometimes between the process writing and the product of having been published.
Take some serious time to get right with yourself around this. The publishing world can destroy your sense of self if you are not careful. Yes, you have thrown your all into this, and the all of Carolyn Rubenstein is quite amazing. Ride the waves sweetie and lean on me and other authors who know what you are going through.
xo
Kairol
Twitter: carolynr
says:
Thank You, Kairol. I feel fortunate I realized that the publishing world can destroy your sense of self – if not careful. Thankfully, grad school has become about 3 full time jobs so no more destroying allowed! I’m throwing myself into grad school without any distractions :).
Bravo for being honest with yourself and willing to face whatever you are feeing and experiencing head on. Those parts that feel messy and uncertain are where are the best things are!
Twitter: carolynr
says:
Christine! You get me through this every single day. I just open up a page from Ordinary Sparkling Moments and it’s always the page I need to read that day. Cheers to messy and uncertain things in life :)!
I believe in you Carolyn.
Twitter: carolynr
says:
Thank You, Whit :). I believe in YOU!
Ten years ago I needed to redefine strength for myself because I felt weak and confused. Similarly, and more recently, I also had to redefine success. I had to really think hard and evaluate the situations where I felt successful. If you are anything like me, which I know you are, I felt most successful when I touched someone’s heart, supplied someone with the tools to better their life, and accomplished something that I deemed very difficult. Carolyn, you do all of those things and you do them everyday. It is kind of similar to the old saying it is not the quantity but the quality that counts. You and Perseverance may not be touching and changing millions of lives, but you are certainly touching and changing MANY lives. Count those as successes! In the world of psychology we often use the phrase, “baby steps” and I think that really holds true to this situation. Baby steps Carolyn :)
Thanks for sharing what’s been going on. I find it so helpful to hear your story and thoughts. One thing I will be writing about from The Pursuit of Perfection (Tal’s book!) which reminds me of my own tendency towards perfection is about behavior vs. love.
Basically I have been reminding myself that I am okay and loved unconditionally. And that my behavior is what I can control. But either way, by embracing myself before I actually “do” anything, is freeing. I don’t have to do anything and I am still loved!
As long as my behaviors are motivated by good intentions, I cannot control how those things become manifested in the world. I can’t control what other people do, think, or say – about my jewelry, my blog, my character. All I can do is try to do good, and leave the rest up to God.
Congratulations on publishing a book. I would love to here your experiences on the process.
You have a beautifully designed blog.
Carolyn – I just read your book, and enjoyed it. I have to tell you I don’t know what you are judging your success by. You are a published author at 24! That is huge! You were on the Today Show. AMAZING! You did a wonderful thing, and if only one person’s life is changed by the book, (and I’m sure it has been) then you should consider yourself a success.
Critical acclaim is nice, but the world is fickle. I think you are immensely successful. Congratulations!
“The reality of Perseverance’s release is not what I imagined. As a result, “publish” has not become a word or action that I am gravitating towards. I’m afraid. I put everything within me into Perseverance – my heart, my youth – so much was sacrificed. I was naive and allowed its success (or lack thereof) to translate into my personal success…”
Sorry you’re feeling down. Not sure why you feel “Perseverance” might not be a success – you’ve 27 reviews on Amazon, all of which are five star.
You seem to me, from what I’ve read, a beautiful person, making a difference in the lives of many people.
Heather (who came to your blog via Aby Garvey’s)