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In Between the Moments
For the past few weeks, I’ve been focusing on “Moving Forward.” Lost in my thoughts – relishing the quiet solitude. I’ve filled journals with realizations and “aha!” experiences; however, a major void has existed. I’ve begun to analyze too much — to try to find all of the answers to the “big life questions.”
Is it my upcoming birthday – turning 25?
Am I resisting the thought of celebration?
Questions after question.
I question my ability to live up to what I’ve accomplished in the past 10 years. Yet, at the same time, I fear falling back into that trap of living in a state of constant pressure – extreme sadness – and giving everything within me to others. I wonder how much is left within me to give to myself.
I’ve retreated to a place of creation – imagination – dreaming. This place scares me. It’s completely new to me. And I feel like I lack the *magic* ingredient to make these dreams become real. For the first time, I’m questioning my ability to turn ideas into reality. I’m comparing myself to others (rationally, I know I shouldn’t do this, but I do anyway).
It’s in between the moments that I capture this self-doubt invading my mental sanctuary.
I have come to one realization: I must believe in myself. I am the only person who can realize what I need and want. It’s okay to be uncertain. It’s not okay to devalue who I am as an individual – my potential. If I can believe in others, I better believe in myself. That is my primary responsibility.
I am human just like everyone else. I have amazing moments and heartbreaking moments. But it’s in between those moments that I’m learning the most about life.
I’m uncovering gems that will stay with me forever, even though the process is far from comfortable. But I expected this time to come – just not now. I’m growing up. I’m finding out who I am. I’m preparing for the next chapter in my life – a chapter very different from what I’ve known. I chose this road and am not steering off course. It’s worth the discomfort because I do believe in myself.
It’s this story I want to share – the 3 am thoughts that can feel so isolating – the in between moments that tell the whole story, the authentic version. It’s these hard to define pieces that are so needed to challenge ourselves to push harder on the road to uncovering our true selves.
“Letting go of an old self and the deeply-ingrained patterns embedded there is hard. HARD. But it is only by facing these patterns, issues, questions and fears that real growth is possible, and beyond what is hard, bright horizons await….We will always struggle. There will always be storms. But there will also always be days of magnificent sunshine. And we will feel the warmth and glow of that light more deeply on our skin and in our bones the more we are willing to do the work we are called upon to do, work that just might have been waiting for us since the day we were born.” – Christine Mason Miller, Bright Horizons
Related "ripples" you might enjoy:
- Ordinary Sparkling Moments
- Ordinary Sparkling Moments 2011
- Five Essential Questions to Ask Yourself Daily
- Why our Darkest Moments Unveil the Beauty of Life
- The Bright Side
This entry was posted on Sunday, February 21st, 2010 at 5:01 am and is filed under Authenticity, Creativity & Inspiration, Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
11 Responses to “In Between the Moments”
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Carolyn, what an honest and incredibly authentic post! I know what you mean about finding who you are. And I think given what you’ve done in the past 10 years that it is completely understandable that you might have those feelings of uncertainty for the next 10 years. But, at the same time, given your track record of help and influence, I would hesitate to see that fear as truth.
If your motivation and intention continues to be helping people and following your dreams, and you have the boldness to pursue those goals one day at a time, I do believe the world will help those dreams come to pass. If they are aligned with your purpose, nothing can stop you!
Twitter: carolynr
says:
Jess, thank you so much. I know you can relate since you started at the same age as me :). It’s hard to achieve so much so young and then want to continue with that momentum – it’s impossible. When we were young and following our passions, there really were no “failures” – we were just doing, and practically everything was considered a “success” due to age. But then you grow up! And age is no longer a one-way ticket to achieving success — if that makes any sense (my thoughts are jumbled since I didn’t sleep much last night!).
I’ve been reading more from Tal Ben-Shahar which has led me to think about all of this recently in more depth!
I agree that the fear I feel is not the truth. It’s overpowering my ability to feel and think about the truth. Fear is actually serving as a motivator to help unveil the truth. (the truth being here –> what it is that I am resisting — ex. redefining success, losing something, and so on) Fear is helping me avoid a few things that I really don’t want to do – but know I *need* to do.
Your last sentence is quite powerful: “If they are aligned with your purpose, nothing can stop you.” Defining that big purpose is exactly where I am right now — or maybe I should say, redefining my purpose.
I feel grateful to have the insight that allows me to recognize this process (even though it’s not *easy*). It’s a gift that I hope will help others through their own periods of challenge – to know that others go through it as well. When I read Christine’s words over a year ago, I felt a light within me turn on – sparkling twinkle lights :). My life and self-confidence changed dramatically. She inspired me – she created a beautiful ripple effect.
Now, I am determined to continue this ripple effect – to inspire others to take their own authentic journeys.
To uncover the truths within, to persevere through the process, and to inspire others to do the same.
Thank you for inspiring this comment/mini-blog post! Lots of self-reflection today :).
Twitter: leanamay
says:
Carolyn,
I identify with so much of your post. I have always been a giver. In the past few years I have finally had to learn to step back, take care of myself and learn to receive (still a lesson in progress). Being open to the unknown and the possibility of your path taking turns in new directions you can’t even imagine at this point in time is scary, yet exciting! I have all the faith in the world that your next decade and beyond hold many more amazing dreams yet to be unfolded.
One of my favorite quotes:
“I see my path, but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing where I’m going is what inspires me to travel it.” -Rosalia de Castro
this is beautiful, I’m really glad I discovered your blog- cheers.
Twitter: carmentorbus
says:
The vulnerability and authenticity in your words is a breath of fresh air Carolyn. You are wise beyond your years. I’m so happy that I’m getting to know you online and through your book. You are an inspiration girl!
xo,
Carmen
Hi Carolyn –
I love this post. I think you are incredible for sharing your true thoughts and feelings for everyone to take in. I always feel a bit closer to you after reading your blogs. You are amazing. The big 25 is around the corner, but it’s a good age – I promise.
Love, Stacy
I recently hit 25 — for the second time. The questions and uncertainties you feel at 25 are similar to those everyone feels at other landmark birthdays (I certainly am feeling them at 50!). Every stage of life forces those questions to resurface, and you feel compelled to reexamine who you are and what’s important. Keep studying yourself and embrace the ways that you change and grow. Continue moving forward with action even if you aren’t quite sure if you’re going in the right direction. It’s amazing how once you think you have it all figured out, life throws you a curveball and the process begins again. I think it’s supposed to be that way!
Twitter: PS_Erin
says:
Thanks for this insight… Fear can be paralyzing, but it sounds like you are putting reins on it and using it to move forward.
25? Just wait until 30: It gets even better!
PS~Erin´s last blog ..To Do’s
Carolyn, I adore this post.. it is so truly authentic and divine timing for me to read this.. ;)
I could also be holding out on celebration for the same reason as I am about to turn 30 later on this year… I finally just released my first e-book-baby.. but there is so much unknown and it is exciting and scary! ;) well, this was such a wonderful way to wake up today, and read this post! Thank-you! hugs, Jenn
Jenn´s last blog ..Sharing Some Writing -My Hearts Play
Twitter: HJudeBoudreaux
says:
Thanks for this post Carolyn, and for linking to it again in a recent post. I’m 32 now, and 25 seems like quite a long time ago. I think the best thing I know now that I didn’t know then is that it’s always your choice on your direction, and there’s no external scoreboard, at least not one that matters.
I’m also reminded of one of my favorite quotes from Rainer Maria Rilke, which I’m sure you’ve heard before but I’ll include here for you. I often have to remind clients to live the questions when they can’t live the answers now.
“…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
One small financial thing to celebrate at 25 is that your car insurance rates should drop, and you can rent a car from the major rental companies without the extra fees!
Jude
great post