A Beautiful Ripple Effect » Perseverance

Letting Go of Perfectly Crafted Plans

Carolyn — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 23:54:59 +0000

Let it be easy. Breathe. Move forward, one tiny step at a time. This is a new beginning, a fresh start. You can begin this year with a clean slate—decide how to approach 2012 on your own terms. Embrace the uncertainty. Celebrate the journey of mindfully entering this new year.

These were the thoughts running through my mind last night, prior to the clock striking midnight. While these simple mantras seem uplifting and helpful, they actually made the transition more stressful and emotional for me. I so wanted to usher in the new year with a completely clean slate, but in reality, is that really practical? NO!

I felt numb, paralyzed by the pressure of trying to get myself into this positive mindset by midnight. I didn’t know how to simply let go of this “ideal” that I had crafted—to embrace my perfectly imperfect reality, to face the transition from a place of self-compassion.

Five minutes before the clock struck midnight, standing amid a crowd of people dancing and smiling, I pulled my husband into the hallway. I held him close, leaned my face onto his shoulder, and released the emotions holding me hostage. I cried, tears streaming down my face, and felt so grateful. I felt loved not only by my husband, but most importantly by myself. I let myself simply be “me” in the moment. I didn’t have to have the “perfect” transition into 2012.

One minute before the clock struck midnight, my face still a bit wet from the tears, I joined my family and huddled alongside my husband to ring in the new year. It was absolutely perfect. I felt liberated by simply listening to my intuition. I finally felt ready for this new year, ready to face what lies ahead and better prepared to let go of seemingly well crafted plans when my intuition sways me in a different direction.

Now, standing on the other side of the bridge, let’s begin to unravel 2012. Are you ready to begin?

image: simply hue

How to Begin to Cultivate Hope After Failing

Carolyn — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 21:09:49 +0000

The scariest part of failure is being seen when you’re most vulnerable and least perfect. It is far safer (and easier) to hide behind dreams and schemes. It is even fun to dream and scheme—to think “what if,” and to create our own fairy tales—you know, something to look forward to, one day when you just know that it’s the right time. But while we wait for the perfect time, we watch others soar—we listen closely to their tales and imagine how one day we will be telling a similar tale of triumph and victory. These tales, over time, often grow as we gain new experiences, watch others’ experiences, and engage in endless daydreaming.

Now, back to the point at hand—the scariest part of failure. When we abandon the confines of “life as usual,” we leap, hoping that we will fly and garner the awe of those watching from the valley as we soar. But what happens if we don’t fly?

What most people aren’t prepared for is how to cope with the reality of hitting the ground. It’s not pretty—definitely not the fairy tale story that has been growing for years in your mind. And once you’re there on the ground, it hurts… a lot. Your ego is bruised. More than that, your ability to dream and act on your dreams becomes painfully difficult. You no longer wear rose-colored glasses. Leaping becomes harder because you’ve lost your childlike naiveté.

So what do you do? How do you begin to tell your tale and cultivate hope for the future? You realize that you can’t rewind your life. You can either hit pause or play. While hitting pause is a powerful part of the healing process, at some point, you need to begin hitting the play button more than the pause button. To do this, there is one thought that has helped me along the way: you have nothing to lose. Failing (especially failing BIG) provides you with a sense of freedom that you can never gain by playing it safe. It’s this freedom that separates you from those who never leap. It’s this freedom that you will one day tell about in your tale. It’s this freedom of knowing how to get back up after hitting the ground that will allow you to soar far higher than you ever imagined possible.

This is your tale, are you ready to tell it? Begin by hitting play.

—

image: artsyville

PS Have you entered the incredible journaling e-course giveaway? It’s my favorite giveaway so far and ends this Friday (Sep 23rd).

PPS I realize the topic of failure is difficult to discuss in a public forum. But it’s my hope to begin to open up the dialogue around this very real/scary topic so that we realize (we = myself included) we are never alone on our journey. I would love to know if this topic is something you like reading about—you can let me know in the comments or via email/twitter. I am truly grateful for your support.

It is not the critic who counts

Carolyn — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 22:52:17 +0000

This is going to sound strange, but I often forget that you (yes, dear reader, I’m talking about you!) can’t read my mind. That you may not be reading the same blogs as me, having the same aha! moments, and so on. I need to remember this minor tidbit so I share more of the little things that are on my inspiration radar. Rambling aside, I read a post today on Brené Brown’s blog, Ordinary Courage, that I need to share with you. The post is titled: The wo/man in the arena. In this post, Brené shares a powerful quote from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech Citizenship In A Republic, delivered at the Sorbonne (1910):

The Man in the Arena

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly;

who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

The first line is so very powerful, something I must remind myself of daily: It is not the critic who counts. How often do you find yourself focusing your thoughts on the critic—especially the critic within, the critic that questions our decisions and doubts our ability to succeed? But that critic, internal or external, is merely projecting in place—on the sidelines. Critics will always exist. Yet, it’s not the critics who make history. It’s the people who strive valiantly—in the arena.

image: 74 Lime Lane

One Positive Thought

Carolyn — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 00:30:18 +0000

The air is heavy this weekend. For many, this weekend symbolizes the day their lives changed forever—in a single moment. When it comes to talking about September 11th, I notice that the media is focusing on fear, loss, and general sadness/negativity. I got sucked into this mentality and avoided thinking about how I could bring up this day on my blog. I’m not sure what/if other bloggers will be reflecting on this day over the weekend. So far the topic has been mostly absent within my google reader feed.

It’s hard to discuss something that means something different to each individual. Yet, when something feels difficult to talk about (e.g., “I don’t know what to say” or “I’m sure others have already discussed this so what is there for me to add?”), it’s usually a sign (at least for me) that saying something is better than nothing — just showing up and acknowledging the emotions at play. There is no “right” thing to say. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show up.

This weekend, I am going to show up. I am going to journal one positive thought as I light a single candle in honor of those who are desperately lacking light.

And to stay true to my blog’s core purpose: to create a beautiful ripple effect of inspiration one person at a time, I invite you to help me create this ripple effect by taking a moment this weekend to put a positive thought into the world and/or light a single candle to signify hope and light. With so much sadness coupled with fear and negative media, I believe in using the power of positivity to combat the negativity.

Will you help me create this beautiful ripple effect?

P.S. Feel free to share the little image above and continue this ripple effect. You can download it by simply clicking on the image.

Does Your Past Dictate Your Future?

Carolyn — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 22:57:03 +0000

A friend of mine recently asked me this, and it has stuck in my head ever since. I answered with a bit of clichéd advice that didn’t truly address the full depth of the question. This question is incredibly knotty and can strike people in a wide range of ways. Thus, my response may not resonate for all. It is merely my response at this point in time, one that will likely change and be reshaped by my experiences. So, I will ponder my response aloud and let it stand as a work in progress.

Depending on your perspective, this question has two sides – one hopeful and one fearful – and it can change in a millisecond. But it’s a perspective that can be manipulated by your mind regardless of the circumstances. You can let your perspective dictate your choice or let your choice dictate your perspective.

When you choose to be hopeful, you choose to create your own future – to get creative and brainstorm ways of decreasing the negatives and increasing the positives. You focus on what is within your control and not what is beyond your ability to change. You keep yourself in the moment and don’t let yourself get stuck in the past or go finding reasons to believe your chances for success are slim. You choose to rewrite your story and not let your current reality play on repeat in your mind. It’s a lot of work, but it’s the work that ultimately allows you to get out of your own way.

When you choose to be fearful, you choose to let your past dictate your future. How could someone with a great past (i.e., a great story) possibly fear the future? It’s quite easy! No one knows what the future holds. So, regardless of whether our past was good or bad, we tend to fear that our past will either align or not align with the future.

Incredibly successful people are full of fear – the fear that their best work is behind them. They compare themselves to themselves and can’t seem to comprehend that things change, that nothing is constant, and that we break our own records just as others break our records too. There is no way to know how the tides will turn.

However, we get to decide what we take from our past into our future. What do we want to use? Why not use the lessons, the hardships and anything else we can find? Surely, the past is beyond our ability to change, so the only way to move forward is to truly own our current place in life, and to own our ability to create our future regardless of the past. If not, we remain in the past, unable to move forward.

image: dear colleen via pinterest

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The Glitter Inspired Giveaway ends Friday September 2nd! Have you left a comment yet?! (there are 3 recipients!)

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.

Carolyn — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 19:35:57 +0000

Today, I have to share with you the commencement speech delivered by Conan O’Brien at Dartmouth this year. I’ve only watched the last eight minutes of the speech (from 16 minutes on), but find it to be by far one of the most inspiring messages I’ve ever heard. I hope it resonates as strongly as it does for me with you.

commencement speech website: video, audio, and text transcript

The Journey

Carolyn — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 05:48:48 +0000

I can see the finish line — something I’ve been dreaming of reaching, the day that I would cross the finish line and be able to look back and see how far I have truly traveled, how strong I’ve been against all odds. Yet, I’m fueled with resistance and fear and uncertainty and those oh so loud voices, whispering not so gently in my ear: you are not good enough. you will not make it to the finish line. Oh, the journey of a warrior — it never gets boring, but it sure does get exhausting. I’m exhausted, but I promised myself that I am going to make it to the finish line — even if I cross the line and come in last place, crawling my way across. I’m going to get there.

I wasn’t going to share, but I would love any positive thoughts to help me get to this finish line (one of many finish lines, but a very important one for me at this point in my journey).

Mark Your Calendar:

Fri 4/29 (Research Thesis due to committee & Presentation to my department)

Tue 5/3 (The BIG Presentation with Q & A in front of entire department — not just clinical field)

… Inspiration for The Journey …

all images link to sources via pinterest (click on image to be directed to its source)

Determined

Carolyn — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 04:41:18 +0000

You’ve quit your job to follow your passion, let’s say for the time being that the passion is to become a lawyer for creative individuals – maybe become a lawyer helping Etsians and other indie business owners. You love the law. You dream about the prospect of combining this passion with your passion of working with individuals following their own creative passion. You’ve worked as a legal aid and volunteered in so many positions that you know the law is for you. Finally, you take the leap. You quit your day job to follow your passion – to begin law school. You’ve spent years saving up the money to make this leap and you finally did it!

Then, this passion you dreamed about for so long becomes a reality. And this reality doesn’t match what you had day dreamed about for so long. You knew it would be grueling, but you were okay with grueling because you loved where it would get you – to the career of your dreams.

And slowly your passion begins to dwindle. But … why? Your grades begin to dictate that passion. And your grades are awful – even after studying and working grueling hours. You question your ability to actually get through law school (what were you thinking?) – and the Bar Exam, that is a fantasy you can’t even think about because law school is starting to make you weak… so weak that you end up questioning yourself. Are you good enough? Immediate answer: no. Are you smart enough? (NO!) And these thoughts lead to thoughts of not being worthy enough of obtaining your dream. Law school defines you – defines your dreams – defines your worthiness. And it feels completely rational since in the world of academics there are quantifiable values for what is “enough.” And your values don’t match up.

What do you do?

Do you give in and let the numbers dictate your thoughts, emotions, and actions? That would be the easiest approach.

Or do you question the validity of those numbers rather than questioning yourself? That would be the rational approach. Rather than letting the numbers be a measure of your abilities and taking them at face value – be your own lawyer – defend yourself – don’t take the numbers at face value. Challenge them with evidence in your favor. Most importantly, do not let these numbers dictate what you are worthy of receiving in the future. Not doing so great? Seize the opportunity to be the underdog — the underdog who shows that numbers and previous defeats don’t define one’s true ability. Use your passion to persevere and prove to yourself (and no one else) that you are enough.

You are worthy of success. Be determined to save your passion, no one (absolutely no one) has the right to take it away from you.

So back to our hypothetical situation, what do you do?

image: stephanie ryan (i recently purchased my first print from stephanie and am in love – her work is gorgeous!)

On a High Dive: Inspiration from Steven Spielberg & My Dad

Carolyn — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 07:54:17 +0000

Last week, my parents came to visit me in Boston — to support me as I continue to swim uphill. I’m so grateful to have such a supportive family — regardless of distance, we are there for each other, whenever — wherever. And lately, it’s been me needing the most support. And they have stuck by me, giving me strength and wisdom to keep pushing forward in whatever direction I feel is best — no pressure, just love and encouragement to follow my heart. That is priceless. My parents are filled with so much wisdom that a mere few minutes with them is enough food for thought for months. But last week, I was nervous about taking a big step — putting myself forward for criticism and rejection. And I felt alone — like I was the only person to ever feel like this, especially strange for someone who tends to reach towards these situations that make me feel very vulnerable. I used to be stronger (or maybe naive?) — to feel completely confidently in all that I did, to know that I was giving all that I could give and that was enough. But the bar has been moved higher and what I’m giving, even if that is 200%, is often not enough. So it’s becoming harder to keep pushing forward, to think that maybe next time, enough will truly be enough? It’s hard to trust and believe that I am worthy and good enough — all of the work I’ve put into worthiness, authenticity, vulnerability is being tested BIG TIME!

Now back to this wisdom from my dad via Steven Spielberg. My dad shared with me a poster that Steven Spielberg keeps in his office (possibly the only poster in his office). And it was a huge eye opener for me. We are all scared — truly frightened — before we put ourselves out there, even if we’ve done it 1,000 times before.

“Boy on a High Dive” is usually in Spielberg’s office.

When asked if it were his favorite Rockwell painting, Spielberg said, “Well, let’s put it this way: This is the Rockwell that, every time I’m ready to make a movie, every time I’m ready to commit to direct a movie, that’s me – that’s the feeling in my gut, before I say ‘yes’ to a picture. Because every movie is like looking off a three-meter diving board, every one.”

Do you feel like you are constantly on a high dive, being tested? If so, how do you persevere? How do you know (and trust) that when you jump, you will land safely — especially if you haven’t landed safely in the past? The high dive is set — it’s not moving — so how do you approach the dive differently time after time? How do you maintain faith and optimism that this dive may be different from previous dives? Or if you’re like me, do you find it difficult to maintain that optimism after a multitude of previous failed attempts?

So I asked my dad this question. I told him that I’m good at diving, I’m a great diver BUT I’ve been falling on my head even after my greatest attempts. And so he said, well you have to check to see if there is water in the pool before jumping. Simple, right. I brushed this comment off. But it makes sense. We get consumed with where we are, what we are doing – on the fear of the dive, that we forget to see the big picture — to see things like, am I setting myself up to fail (i.e., jumping into an empty pool)? When you take a scary leap, it feels like you are alone, but in reality, the support (e.g., the support of water — or family, or mentors, or resources, etc.) that you receive after you jump is critical to the success of that jump. It’s important to realize that while the jump is scary, you can cushion the fall.

Case in Point: When I take a big leap and don’t prepare for after that leap, I crumble. I’m overwhelmed with the emotion of the leap itself and haven’t prepared support for after the leap. So whether the outcome is good or bad, I typically end up totally isolating myself and having a mini (or major) meltdown. I isolate myself and lose perspective, underestimating the importance of creating a safety net for either outcome. The focus must shift from “taking the leap” to “taking the leap and creating a post-leap action plan.” And that shift is tough because merely thinking about the leap itself is somewhat paralyzing, but could this paralysis be in part due to our all-or-nothing focus?

Image and Quote: CBS News via my dad

Loss Love Life: A New Project Sheds Light on the Transformative Power of Loss

Carolyn — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 22:28:38 +0000

I received an email yesterday from someone who had recently read my book, Perseverance. It’s an email I receive often, an emotional account of how an individual perseveres through unimaginable darkness, that always leaves me speechless. I question why I am worthy of receiving acknowledgment when this individual is far more powerful than I could ever aptly describe in words. I am merely the conduit that made sure this book entered the world. I never questioned its need to be written, but do question why I was the person selected to write it.

For over ten years, I have immersed myself in a world that deals with loss on a daily basis. And I have become the person many people seek for hope and inspiration to work through the experience of loss. That’s a big role for one person to fill. I resisted this simple fact for quite some time. I felt that taking time to focus on myself would be selfish. In reality, by not taking this time, I was more selfish – acting as if I were superhuman. It wasn’t until I became my weakest that I realized the importance of beginning my own journey of healing. This blog served as my cocoon. Writing became a ritual that united me with my inner voice. It helped me to resist retreating into the habit of ignoring my emotions and self-care.

In May, I was contacted by Nicola Warwick of The Whole Self to contribute to a workbook she was creating on the power of loss. I resisted the project until the last day and then finally sat down with a piece of paper, a pen, and a big box of tissues. I wrote from my heart and after submitting the piece to Nicola felt a powerful wave of energy that sparkled with inspiration. I needed to write this piece, to share this story. I am grateful that the universe delivered this opportunity to me and that I embraced it.

The workbook, Loss Love Life, is available for free. You can download it and read its powerful stories whenever you feel the time is right. I have read it twice already and gain new insight each time. The workbook includes exercises and resources in addition to the powerful stories. The contributors include: Thursday’s Child, Julie Daley, Patti Digh, Margaret Fuller, Danielle LaPorte, Michael Nobbs, Carolyn Rubenstein, Andrea Schroeder, Kate Swoboda, Julie Jordan Scott, Dyana Valentine, Eydie Watts and Nicola Warwick.

Loss Love Life: Learn More + Download Here