Posts Tagged ‘perfectionism’

The Giver

December 12th, 2011 | 7 Comments »

Note for new readers: Throughout December, I will be posting my personal responses to Reverb11. My posts will be a bit different than usual—more vulnerable, less polished, more frequent, and probably more interesting! However, you can expect some “special” posts  during the month as well. If you’re interested in reading more typical content, check out a few of the most popular posts. Regardless of what you’re reading (or not reading), welcome and happy December!

7. Giving. “The purpose of life is to discover your gift. The meaning of life is to give your gift away.” (David Viscott) What is your gift to give?

About a week ago, I read a post by Jessica Nichols on her blog, Sweet Eventide, entitled: Jessica takes a Sabbatical. Jessica’s words resonated strongly with me, but there was one line in particular that I related to the most. Sharing these words and this feeling is not something I feel comfortable doing, but am willing to do so anyway since I think it’s a sentiment rarely acknowledged aloud.

I give and I give and I give.

And as Jessica acknowledges in her post, giving unconditionally leaves you completely drained. Because when you give so freely, people forget to ask and just take and take and take. You lose your equilibrium and suddenly you’re no longer in control of your gift.

My “gift” is very difficult to define since it has no tangible presence. I didn’t even begin to discover my gift until after graduating from college. Prior to this discovery period, I gave my gift away without even realizing. I was not mindful of what I was giving at the time.

I won’t claim to know that I’ve got my “gift” fully figured out, even after years of discovery; however, I am consciously recognizing more and more of what I have to give to others.

My gift: intellectual curiosity aimed at solving the puzzles of ordinary and extraordinary suffering coupled with a fierce determination to alleviate suffering in the lives of people that cross my path. While I may be book smart, I have learned that my intuition is far more valuable than any knowledge learned from a book. This intuition is my strongest gift and the variable that enables me to solve problems and alleviate suffering.

In the past, I’ve tried to force myself to value knowledge (i.e., lessons from books or the words of “experts”) over intuition. And I did a good job at letting knowledge dictate my direction rather than intuition—most of the time. However, when my intuition did win over knowledge, I created miraculous gifts like a non-profit organization that awarded over 100 college scholarships or a book that celebrates turning fear into hope at the most difficult of times. And those are just the tangible products, it’s really the intangible products, the experiences and moments that are the priceless byproducts of following my intuition.

Trusting my intuition isn’t easy and often challenges the status quo. However, I realize that if this intuition were nourished rather than belittled, I would be able to give far more than I could imagine and create even greater change in the lives of others. I am beginning to understand that not protecting my gift would be selfish.

These words feel raw and unfinished. I’ve written the above sentences at least three different times—each time trying to find clarity between the lines. However, these words and feelings are unfinished in real time. I’m still within the cocoon of discovery.

image: sweet eventide (support jessica’s gift by purchasing an item from her etsy store)

When You Don’t Have All The Answers

September 20th, 2010 | 6 Comments »

Thank you so much for your kind comments on my last “confession” post. I wasn’t going to write today’s blog piece, but realized this weekend that it’s something that I would really like to share with my little ripple effect community.

When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught how to fly. -Patrick Overton

At so many points in our lives and especially mine at this point in time, I find myself “not knowing” much more than usual. I’m in a period of transition after some time spent really grounding myself away from my academic identity and focusing on self-care. But with transition comes a plethora of unknowns. Because I’m in the midst of this transition, it’s difficult to see the big picture (hopefully that will come as I emerge from this period of time). I have dealt with uncertainty so much in the past few years that I don’t feel the fear that usually accompanies this time, but I do have questions of course. Below are a few questions from my journal focused on this topic.

. . . when/how do you stop searching and start embracing?

. . . when/how do you let go of the need to know?

. . . does there have to be an answer?

. . . how do you know when to trust your gut instinct over the well established road-map?

. . . how do you define “answer?” Is it based on an intrinsic or extrinsic definition?

. . . how do you embrace the uncertainty of not knowing?

:: What I Do Believe ::

By acknowledging when you don’t know the answers and shed light on your vulnerabilities, you are creating space for your authentic self to live wholeheartedly and courageously.

We learn the most about ourselves from the moments in which we let down our guard and admit, “I don’t know all the answers. I am uncertain and that’s okay. How can I transform this experience from one of self-doubt to one of self-compassion?”

Do you have your own questions on this topic… or thoughts on my questions above?

-> This post is part of my response to the new online community challenge, Spring Into Action, focused on opening up conversation around the topic of authenticity.

image: joojoo

Confused or Afraid?

September 11th, 2009 | 13 Comments »

I haven’t been able to post a blog. I’ve written many posts, but they are sitting on my desktop. I can’t seem to “publish” a post. Yes, I know, I just “published” a book – a post should be a piece of cake! But the perfectionist in me seems to be dominating the stage.

Publishing Perseverance has been the most difficult experience. I still can’t even grasp the reality of everything. Days are blurring together and I feel utterly confused about everything.

Or so I thought.

I realized that the perfectionist in me only perceives two distinct points: start and finish. Anything in between these two points gets mushed into one pile for further analysis. Yet, when I step back, I am much more aware of “my life” than the perfectionist within me realizes. And reality is scary! Confusion is a much easier state to brush off and explain to others. Fear takes a lot more effort and courage to overcome.

The reality of Perseverance’s release is not what I imagined. As a result, “publish” has not become a word or action that I am gravitating towards. I’m afraid. I put everything within me into Perseverance – my heart, my youth – so much was sacrificed. I was naive and allowed its success (or lack thereof) to translate into my personal success (all 24 years). I understand that mistake now, but that doesn’t erase the experience. In order to change the way I perceive myself, I need to make really difficult changes. These changes challenge how I live and my next steps. And that leads me right into the safety net of confusion.

My heart is writing this post and I am going to hit “publish.” I know where I am right now and I am not going to allow confusion or fear to stop me from moving forward — and making changes.

A little phrase that serves as my anchor: I believe in you.

Whisper these four words to yourself. Take a deep breath. Listen to your heart. Believe in YOU.

{image: studio mela on etsy}

An Imperfect Ten: Inspired by the Beauty of Imperfection

March 16th, 2009 | 10 Comments »

monday-inspiration-cover-pic-by-cathy-nichols

Image by Cathy Nichols (Sanctuary)

(1) Effortless Perfection: Is it For You?

During the fall semester of my freshman year at Duke University, an article was published anonymously in our school newspaper. I think everyone can relate to this article on a different level.

While published in the newspaper at Duke, the issue of effortless perfection is evident on college campuses across the nation as well as almost every neighborhood. This article reminds me to strive for what makes me happy rather than solely for what makes others happy. Living in a structured box with no crayons is no fun!

“She worked hard on that exterior. It was important. Because what no one suspected was the demons that controlled her life, that had ravaged her self-esteem during her four years at Duke. No one realized how she felt from the moment she rolled out of bed to the early morning hours when she hit off the light. Like a failure. ‘Effortless perfection,’ the Women’s Initiative called it. Female undergraduates wanted ‘effortless perfection.’ It was the new catch phrase. She didn’t even want effortless perfection. Just perfection. She’d work for it. She wasn’t afraid of work. But she was fixated on the ideal, and sooner or later, it all began to come undone.” — An excerpt from Effortless Perfection

(2) The “Imperfection” Photography Project

Photographer, Jessica Hilltout, describes a powerful trip to Madagascar which led to her project, “Imperfection.”

In an interview, Jessica is asked, “What thoughts and concepts are you trying to express with this body of work?”

Jessica responds, “My world… people… privilege… perfection…  This project was almost a reaction against that… (the machine and the manufactured, the excess of consumption, the lack of individuality, media and advertising’s influence, the conformity…).

Imperfection for me speaks of uniqueness, character, that which is not asceptisized, that which is made by hand, unique that which has lived a long life and has been respected and cherished. Less is more, little things are big… the ingenuity of people with so little who achieve so much (ex. Recuperating old metal, plastic etc to create new objects).”

(3) Accepting Imperfection as Beauty

Nicolle Camarata of Nicolle Shops Portland describes Portland jewelery shop, Rock On Jewelry Design.

“Features Earth friendly, funky neckwear (necklaces not ties) made from things found. Using natural forms of stones, shells and beach glass, local artist Deanna Wohlgemuth has created a jewelry line with meaning. Her focus and inspiration? …accepting imperfection as beauty. By doing this it allows the true beauty to shine through. It is after all, imperfections that make things unique. Each piece is wire wrapped in sterling silver and adorned with a balance of new, salvaged, and antique beads….” — Nicolle Camarata

Artist, Deanna Wohlgemuth describes her jewelry line: “I’ll never have two designs that are exactly the same. The wonderful thing about my work is that it can be viewed simply as unique jewelry, but the story behind each piece is often what attracts others to my art. My pieces are keepsakes, and they won’t be out of style next season. Each piece has a story, and the meaning and purpose behind the story is always fashionable because it’s genuine.”

(4) Be Happy Without Being Perfect

Be Happy without being Perfect

Be Happy Without Being Perfect: How to Break Free from the Perfection Deception (Author: Dr. Alice D. Domar)

  • Listen to an interview with Dr. Alice D. Domar on BlogTalkRadio
  • Great article and interview from Today Show
    • Learn to be happy, without being perfect: Goals are good, but not reaching them isn’t the end of the world

Dr. Alice D. Domar, author of the book Be Happy Without Being Perfect, is a pioneer in the application of mind/body medicine to women’s health issues. She not only established the first Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health, but also conducts ongoing ground-breaking research in the field. Her research focuses on the relationship between stress and different women’s health conditions, and creating innovative programs to help women decrease physical and psychological symptoms.

(5) Girls who Draw present… Misfits (… and you really want to be part of this crowd)

Misfits Book

  • From the “Girls who Draw” Blog: Girls who Draw are an international group of all female illustrators each one with their own unique visual language. Their work is very diverse including slick digital graphics, quirky hand drawn characters, and humorous sequential imagery. Other than being women the main thing members of our group have in common is that we all make and sell our own work be it prints, t-shirts, artist’s books or other multiples. We got together in order to showcase our work to a wider audience. This has been the catalyst for our first collaborative project, a limited edition book based on the theme Misfits. We will combine our work to launch an exhibition of the same name in the UK during 2009.
  • Check out each member of the “Girls who Draw” — Clare Power (Bogus Baby), Jess Bradley, Gemma Correll, Jane Anderson (Currentstate), Zoe Darnell (Mmm…Biscuits!), Yee Ping Kuit, Yee Ting Kuit, Tanya Meditzky, Karoline Rerrie, and Sarah Ray.

(6) Color outside the Lines

outsidelines_artheadstudio

“By coloring outside the lines of her life  she found  her passion.” — Deborah C. Kracht

(7) A Ring with Magical Powers: A Reminder that it’s okay to be Imperfect

Image of Ring from Ordinary Courage Blog (Brene Brown)

… image from Ordinary Courage Blog

An excerpt from the blog entry by Brene Brown:

A couple of days after buying it, I found myself in a familiar situation. Someone needed wanted asked me to do something that I didn’t have the time, energy, or inspiration to do. Rather than saying “yes” right away, I stood there (looking crazy, I’m sure) and thinking. When I turned 40, I promised myself to be more thoughtful about saying yes when I really need to say no AND saying no when I really need to say yes.

As I stood there, I suddenly realized that I was spinning the little rings on my new ring. Each spin gave me confidence. It was a reminder about the real gifts of turning 40.

I said no. I chose discomfort over resentment.

Make sure to check out the blog post to watch a video demonstration of the ring in action!

(8) Creating a Collage

polyvore_collage by megg

… image by megg on polyvore

A collage: no guidelines, no checklist of items that must be utilized. The process of creating a collage forces us to think outside the box — to see items from a different perspective. Everyday items begin to look differently and a story unfolds.

You’re able to get out whatever you may be feeling — the good and the bad — mix it all together and create something beautiful.

A story is told as a result of a messy undefined process. You learn as you go.

It is that freedom — in those moments, when I’m simply focused on the joy of the moment. I feel weightless as if I can redefine the objectives — and we can at any time. Imagine if you had to define yourself like a word in the dictionary. Would you rather have a simple definition with a one line description or a definition with synonyms and antonyms, links to other words and no clear objective statement? I rather the latter.

Unclear and complicated, imperfection is filled with layers — layers that unravel and evolve. Layers that inspire. If life were purely a finished coat of paint, perfectly even — would that be beautiful?

(9) “If you can measure it, it’s probably not that important.”  — Brene Brown

Trying to be Brave — Blog post by Brene Brown on Ordinary Courage Blog

Read this blog post, read the comments, and then re-read it over and over again.

The hard part of imperfection: letting go of perfection. Perfection feels safe — no judgment, no battles. Imperfection is scary. Admitting imperfection is even scarier.

Yet, remaining true to yourself and what you believe in is too important to neglect. I write this with more conviction than ever. It will likely be the topic of my next book (another book — one day!).

I am constantly being judged and analyzed by others. It is much easier to give in and be the mold that people want you to be. But to do so would be admitting to yourself that you are not enough. For me, that would be the ultimate betrayal to myself and to those I love and cherish. And particularly to those individuals who gave me the wisdom to know that life is too important to put on hold.

carolyn_kadeejah1

This picture reminds me daily what it means to be brave. I’ll never forget the moments I sat next to Kadeejah, holding her hand or creating collages. I never saw her without a smile — until she closed her eyes. And even then I felt that smile. Her birthday is tomorrow and I feel like it gets harder every single year to feel the loss within me. I realize now that I am scared to reveal that part of my life because it is so painful. Yet, it is also the most beautiful part of my life. The part that fills me with passion and courage. And so I continually try to be brave. I don’t think it’s something we ever master.

(10) Ordinary Sparkling Moments: The Video

Just watched! Strongly suggest watching this video by Christine Mason Miller inspired by her book, Ordinary Sparkling Moments.

* * *

… Enjoy the Beauty of Imperfection …

… Relish the Unfolding Layers of Life …

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What do you love about imperfection?

Now is Everything

February 1st, 2009 | No Comments »

butterfly1Life unfolds every moment. There are good moments and bad moments. I am learning that even during these awful, yucky moments we have the ability to experience something beautiful.  I am learning this through practice. Prior to becoming more mindful, bad moments meant dark clouds, tears, and sadness. I only saw black and white. I didn’t realize that there were other options. Of course, sadness is felt; however, it does not have to be the only emotion present. During rough experiences, I felt as if the only direction I could go was down. And so I went down… until my eyes finally opened and the pieces of my life started to make sense. They don’t fit perfectly together and I’m embracing that.

Prior to this shift in my thinking, I couldn’t understand how intense pain could help me grow — it sounded foreign to me. No one I saw as “perfect” did anything sub-par. I desperately needed someone to unveil perfection. Hopefully, I am doing that through this blog as I personally unveil my own perfectionism.

“Now is everything” has become my guidepost in this journey. It was the core lesson I learned while writing Perseverance. The phrase reminds me to be mindful of priorities and to not allow myself to shift into the mindset of, “I’ll do that after I get through this.” Time is not guaranteed — just “now.”

I often read an excerpt from Christine Mason Miller’s book, Ordinary Sparkling Moments, to remind myself of this guidepost and to focus on the process of change rather than just the outcome. It reminds me that the consequences of our efforts may not be immediate — and that’s okay. I hope you’re able to pull your own meaning from Christine’s powerful words.

• • •

Excerpt from Ordinary Sparkling Moments:

The story of a caterpillar going through a difficult, tender process in order to emerge in a more extraordinary form is an apt description of what we experience at different life stages as well as when the earth seems to crumble beneath us. Comparing our own process of change to something as exquisite as a butterfly enables us to focus on the beauty that can be attained within if we are willing to go through our deepest internal mines, no matter how arduous. When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, it is losing its familiar form in order to become something entirely different, just as periods of loss and metamorphosis alter our own interior landscapes.

Through any period of change, there lies the opportunity to not only rebuild one’s self and environment, but also demolish structures that have become outdated and destructive.

Where a caterpillar curls up into itself and does not re-surface until its entire being is transformed, as human beings with jobs, children and other responsibilities, we must do our morphing in the midst of day-to-day routines. This requires commitment, awareness and a clear sense of our deepest priorities. It requires effort when we might rather turn on the tv; it requires energy when we feel on the verge of collapsing. The work must be done to re-assemble the pieces of ourselves that have been shattered, otherwise we remain fractured individuals – not quite ourselves but not quite someone else either.

Life is nothing more than continuous cycles of transformation and growth. We become caterpillars, we go into the cocoon, we burst through as butterflies, and then we do it all over again. The belief that we are all gorgeous winged creatures waiting to emerge from our own experiences is a lovely one, but it is also important to embrace the cocoon, to cherish the times when we are deep in the act of change and shedding old selves. The in between times- which can sometimes be quiet and still and other times full of rage and ferocity – are where the real lessons are learned and where real change is possible.

The cocoon is where we learn to slay dragons, howl at the moon, and embrace our flaws more tenderly than ever.

The cocoon is where our souls do the work they need to do, where we are safe enough to face the truth with eyes wide open.

• • •

My journey is continually evolving. I love that I have no idea what I will learn about myself tomorrow. I am currently working on my “Feel Good List” created by Julie Green, Up Up Creative. In my next post, I will discuss these incredible lists and what I’ve been learning and reflecting upon during the creation process.

I just started using twitter and am loving it! You can follow me at: clrsimple2.

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As you can tell, I love quotes. What quotes inspire you? Or is there a book or song that has inspired you?