Extending the olive branch is often interpreted mistakenly as a sign of weakness. In reality, it represents one’s refusal to be controlled by anger and resentment.
Why Forgive?
My thoughts regarding forgiveness vary. Most articles on forgiveness argue that one must be able to forgive, regardless of the gravity of the offense that’s been committed. The outcome of this effort is the release of the toxic energy one builds up and maintains by not forgiving the wrongdoer. That belief may be due to how one interprets forgiveness. Simply stated, I see forgiveness as a form of personal power and inner control that provides us with the ability to move forward – rather than remaining mentally in the past. As such, the act of forgiveness and how one actually “forgives” is quite subjective.
Forgiveness puts you in the driver’s seat. It allows you to focus your mind on actions that turn something negative into something positive (or even neutral). It leaves you feeling empowered and ready to move freely rather than being restricted by something or someone. You look inward for strength instead of outward. Overall, forgiveness triggers a whole host of positive outcomes.
Tips for Forgiveness
In spite of the enormous benefits associated with forgiveness, actually doing so is far from easy. Below are some tips to help you offer graceful absolution while maintaining your own dignity and self-respect.
- Don’t feel like you have to forget. We’ve all heard the old adage “forgive and forget,” but the two don’t necessarily go hand in hand. Just because we offer forgiveness, that doesn’t mean the pain of a betrayal or the sting of harsh words spoken during an argument are magically erased from our minds. A sign of successful forgiveness is often the ability to remember the hurtful incident without the ugly emotions and anger that accompanied it originally.
- Create a climate for forgiveness. It’s much easier to offer amnesty when you cultivate the right environment. For instance, when you maintain a positive attitude, focus on what’s good in your life, and banish negative thoughts, you’ll be much more likely to forgive.
- Make a list of blessings. When you concentrate on the good things in your life—family, friends, favorite activities, or a rewarding career—there will be less room for pain and negativity, which makes it much easier to overcome your grievances.
- Be patient. There are many different degrees of forgiveness. While a minor infraction may be forgiven almost immediately and without much thought, deeper transgressions can require more time. In these cases, don’t expect forgiveness to happen overnight. Move gently through the process of forgiveness.
Learning to Forgive Yourself
What happens when your anger is self-directed? Clearly, no one is perfect, and we’ve all said and done things we later regret. All too often, it can be even more difficult to forgive ourselves than to offer clemency to others. Although it’s important to hold yourself accountable for your actions, moving forward and learning from your mistakes is essential to achieving inner peace and happiness. Below are some tips for achieving the art of self-forgiveness.
- Make amends. If your actions have resulted in someone’s hurt or betrayal, the first step toward self-clemency is recognizing your behavior and offering a sincere apology. That said, a simple “I’m sorry” may not be enough. Consider offering the person the opportunity to express his or her feelings about what happened, and be prepared to take the steps necessary to alleviate any anger or distress.
- Be specific. Identify the specific transgression you committed and work on coming to terms with it. For example, instead of trying to forgive yourself for being a bad friend, narrow your focus to what you did or said that caused the offense, such as spreading a rumor or betraying someone’s confidence.
- Talk through it. Seeking a sympathetic audience, such as a therapist or trusted friend, can be a huge help in pardoning a past transgression. By seeing the situation within the context of a healthy relationship, you’ll be more likely to find the grace you need to forgive yourself.
Whether you’re on the receiving or the giving end, the act of forgiveness can improve the quality of your relationships, and elevate you to a new level of peace.
Have you mastered the art of forgiveness?
